What just happened? - A psychedelic night mare and the decision to not be a child anymore

I'd like to start this project with telling you why I'm here.

A new blog, in the English language no less and with a theme that is basically "no theme at all". I've been through my personal hell again, a psychological landscape with the caption " Monsieur Octobre" written all over it. I would truly consider myself back again, but who the heck knows at this point. My psyche is a mystery, some say it would benefit from getting the label "manodepressive" or "bipolar" stamped on it but I don't know. 

I just don't know. 

In any case, I feel much better now than what I did just a few weeks ago. In fact, the change has been so rapid it sometimes has been overwhelming and not just a little bit frightening to experience. With that said of course - mostly "the flip" has been such an amazing relief to receive. It feels almost literally like being released from a cage or a prison cell and suddenly, finally, seeing the sunlight again and feeling a fresh breeze against the skin. My mind suddenly functions in an entirely different way from what was there previously and all this for no apparent reason. For the first time since the event i feel at home in my own mind again, it's mine once more. And if it is something this dark journey has taught me then it is to not take that simple but oh so lovely feeling for granted. 

***

So, let's - try to - speak about the event. To tell it bluntly: At the end of august 2022 I went into a drug induced psychosis, triggered from inhaling Cannabis. It's so odd to me to say it like that. It shouldn't happen really. Not to me. I, the self-proclaimed apostle of psychedelics, the lover of its realm, it's devoted Knight in the cold and wary age we call the modern era. I thought, naively as it were, the Governor of the psychedelic realm would spare me from ever burning me too harsh since I had a mission on its behalf. I thought, yes, I really thought I was chosen and in this particular aspect exempt from all harm that could come from their terrific and terrible arms. 

And I was wrong. Boy was I wrong. To be completely honest about my idiocy and flagrant naivety that late day in August: I had had a drug induced psychosis - from Cannabis! - before, but that time it was a steep overdose of edibles which is quite a different story from the kind one would ingest by smoking. Yet one would think I would have learned my lesson and leave all mind changing substances behind after that experience, and yes one would be right, but my love for the Psychedelic realm was (and is, but in a quite different way from now on) just that large and precisely that intense. I needed to return over and over again, and if I could say I was done for a long while with the Hero sized journeys of Mckenna et al I still craved to circle around its shores in the more safer regions of the psychedelic lands. So when I was offered the joint from my friends that evening I didn't hesitate. This was my sacrament, the symbol of the life I always was dreaming about and worshiped even. 

And so, without much of a warning, Lucy decided to bitch slap me to hell and back again. 

***

I honestly don't think I ever will be able to describe the events that occurred during this particular journey. It's too strange. If the events wasn't real at all and only the result of my biological mind struggling with foreign substances floating around in the brain, then absolutely everything that ever occurs can be described in the same way and strict and universal Nihilism is the only reasonable - nay, the only acceptable way forward - but if it is real in any relevant sense then it is such a betrayal that we aren't directing all our scientific forces to figure out what the psychedelic realm is all about and what the relationship between ours and Lucy's really looks like. It could answer so much, if not everything, of the things we are cognitively and spiritually find ourselves struggling with as a society today. I can't answer anything of it on my own, I can't even attempt to do it. The content of my experiences is just so mind boggingly, earth shatteringly strange. 

So I will leave the events where they are, mostly untold. The journey ended with me standing outside a gas station in an early september morning, trying to convince the owner and some terrified customers that I was a newly arrived Extra Terrestrial and ask if they could be so kind to take me to their leader so I could solve all of their problems (namely: remove all guilt from the human mind). They didn't take me to the government, instead they called the police and they escorted me promptly to the Psych ward where I was stuffed with anti- psychotic medication and with that my own mind decided to throw in the towel and not show up for the duration of a good year and more so.. 

***

I'm not "healthy" yet. I'm relieved from the crushing apathy my dark periods are marked by and as a result I can find the energy and will to exercise regularly, actually do the rather easy tasks that has been standing on my to-do list since virtually forever and even see myself looking for more things to do. Yes, I want things again, I find myself desire healthy and virtuous things and I can even attempt to pursue them. Yet, I'm not entirely at home with this alone, and I'm aware of that fact. Time needs to pass, the everyday rhythm of a normal life needs to find me and I have to withstand the urge to flee to the region of Lucy when that happens. It's simply not for me anymore. Not in this life time, not in this realm. My priest and I talked about the process of growing up when I was in the dark and how hard that has been for me to be able to do. Partly because of things I can't or couldn't control: Accidents, unfortunate circumstances or sometimes even because of pure and simple evil that came through from people coming in my way, but also partly because I never truly wanted to grow up. I didn't want to pass through the narrow gate to actual adulthood and that part of me has done everything in its power to avoid it from happening - including self sabotaging if it must come to it. It's not because I suffer too much of a peter pan- syndrome but rather because that part of me thinks that I don't deserve to grow up. I'm too lousy, too pathetic, too much of a loser to be part of the "adult community" if you will. 

And there is where I stand at this point, I'm ready to silence the self loathing part of me once and for all and when that is done start to finally begin the process of growing up. 

***

I hope this blog will be a vital part of that process, if not for anything else than to document what is happening when spending time under a new era of Miss May and her beautiful pastures. We'll see what is coming around the corner. I'm anyhow incredibly happy to - against very high odds I might add - be here to see it unfold.