After the Return: Reflections on Christianity

So was I a Christian again. In the deepest corners of my latest Octobre journey I was sure that my faith was absolutely done for. I knew my relationship with God as a whole would heal eventually, but I couldn’t see how I could muster enough patience to put up with the Christian way of dealing with Them. But alas, I’ve been to Mass, on my own volition, I pray every day and I can even find myself tremblingly reading a passage from the Psalter now and again. I am Christian, definitely in the sense that my “inner assembly” doesn’t give up a roar in anger or agony when I make the confession above. I’m not sure what I believe about any of these theological or religious matters, but faith is operating on another level entirely and it is on that level I - remarkable as it is to me - still find myself believing in Christ.

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But everything can’t be the same as before the event. I need to do a proper check up on what this thing, the organized religion called Christianity, actually means to me. What am I saying yes and amen to when confessing myself as a Christian? It’s not all too easy to grasp.

Before everything went down I studied for a bachelor in theology at an institution that was, is.. odd.. to put it somewhat neutral. This institution propagated for a theology as close to the one of Martin Luther and the old understanding of orthodox Lutheranism as the modern world would allow for. They were still an academic institution and in my honest opinion I don’t think they were up to anything harmful in terms of indoctrinations or twisting any “scientific data” in the field of theology. Theology as an academic discipline is tricky and I consciously chose to involve myself at this ultra conservative institution precisely because I wanted a bias that was clear as day from my tutors and professors. If they would be under the impression that their positions and opinions on the topics of theology would be neutral it could be truly dangerous. There is no objectivity in these matters, our biases go as deep as biases possibly can within them and when we try to work in a scientific, academic manner with these topics the constant threats from the biases trying to overtake our thoughts needs to be in the forefront of our consciousness. It’s crucial.

Even so, working within this institution was so extremely tiresome. If it wasn’t creationist nut jobs trying to treat Genesis as a manual for the natural sciences there were teachers in World Religions thinking that their teaching subjects were made by the Devil himself and just in general an attitude of… I’m not entirely sure. The whole institution felt like an angry outsider, an incel of sorts who was furious that their ideas and their world view wasn’t taken seriously anymore and he therefore was justified in going hellbent on treating every differing idea the same way he got treated by the establishment. The intellectual atmosphere was.. petty. Defensive. Non-stringent and mostly fear based as I saw it.

To be fair, and I wish to be fair towards this institution where I spent a good year and a half. It wasn’t only bad and frustrating. Their passion for both academia and lutheranism was undeniable as well as admirable. Their prowess in especially the biblical languages were quite impressive and their teaching skills in non-provocative subjects were truly top notch. It wasn’t, isn’t, a bad academic institution by any metric and I’m mentioning them not because of anything having to do with school or my studies with them but because they came to be the last stop for a specific path on my spiritual journey. I won’t have anything to do with theology anymore. No more dogma as far as I can avoid it.

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That begs the question: How are you going to be a Christian without applying any form of theology to the faith and if you say no to any and all dogma, what is the point of calling yourself a Christian in the first place?

Well. I’m still identifying Lutheranism as my spiritual home within Christianity and I will stay as a member in the Swedish church and go to their masses with a distinct regularity to the best of my ability. I’m not trying to be a pseudo-christian of sort, just picking out the pieces that fits me and leave the rest - I stand by the choice I made after the last rekindling of my Christian faith but with that said I also think it is of importance to be spiritually honest - if only to myself and my primary priest given that very few others likely will care about my positions on various theological matters.

And it is still true that I don’t believe in any particular dogma, in anything that the leaders of the church have claimed to be the truth in any objective kind of sense. I hardly believe in objectivity at all, as it is. What I believe in when it comes to Christianity is the mythology of Jesus Christ. This is not the place to retell my understanding of this myth but it is still the case that the many stories of the Old and New Testament can be distilled into a mythic understanding about God and our relationship to Them that I myself subscribes to. I don’t see this belief so much as an acceptance of a statement or a dogma as it is a description on how I actually am able to see the world. 

A belief in a dogma is like seeing a ray of sunshine sideways in a dark cellar room. You can see the whole ray entering the window until it touches the floor, you can see dust particles whirling around along its path. It’s an object, a thing, but if you step into the ray of sunshine and look out of the window you see the whole world outside and you see what the sun-ray actually is in itself. Not an object anymore, but a living description of the real world. That is belief in a mythology. I can’t explain why I accept the details of the myths as true, I don’t have any arguments in favor of virgin births, how one can transform water into wine or turn a fig tree into a fruitless mess of a plant. I can’t make sense of it, but now I have finally decided I won’t try to. I won’t be a psychological, symbolical interpreter of the texts either - I only wish to accept that in the deepest corners of my mind the myth of Christ is the guiding principle of my life. I haven’t chosen this for myself, I’m simply branded with the mark of Christ at the core of my soul. I may fight against this as much as I feel I have to, and believe me: I have tried. It won’t change the situation even a little.

So, here I stand and I can do no other.

*

Thing is though. I’m still angry with Christianity and I will try to line up my two biggest gripes with the faith and where I will try to “make an exception” for myself. Not to be a religious cheater, but to have a chance to remain sane.

What I can’t accept with the faith as a grown adult is the proselytic agenda within Christianity. The command to constantly spread the word and convert innocents into the faith, disregarding every other variable in the world than the somber fact which states “the Master told us to” has gone from problematic in my mind to absolutely vile and disgusting. The obedience to this command opens up for an attitude where everything is allowed, all means necessary are open for discussion, as long as a few souls can be saved from going to hell. I would argue that this command alone is the root to the majority of all the evils Christianity is responsible for.

Don’t get me all too wrong. I understand why the command was given and why the early church made it their highest priority. They lived in a time where the message from Jesus wasn’t in need of symbolic interpretation but could be taken literally and if so, the Master would return within a generation or so. “It’s time to start fishing, baby. In fact, there is no time to lose so get going instantly.” This movement didn’t have any power in their society, they only had their message and their faith and it’s absolutely stunning how quickly they spread and in what remarkable ways they changed the Empire. Never before and not ever since has the Empire undergone so much spiritual change in such a short time span and the Command was the spark to the engine that kept all of this going. I’m not criticizing this, but when Constantine turned this rebellistic, anarchistic movement into a state religion the situation shifted drastically. A command which were the previous movement's reason to stay ever so relevant became instead a carte blanche för all kinds of heinous things in the form of oppressions, crusades and colonizations and what have you, Everything could be made justified because of the need of amassing new converts and turning new nations into discipleship. To actually show the world and truly live out the core of what it is to be a Christian became less important. That was hard and difficult, acting out a new style for the Empire for the sake of spreading knowledge about the Master was so much easier.

I simply don’t buy this anymore. I will give as a gift what I got as a gift to anyone I meet, but that isn’t the same line of action as it is to think it is of high importance to everlastingly push out new Christians into the world. God’s invitation into the life of Christ is to everyone regardless of time, tongue our outer faith and I will strive to help everyone on their journey to accepting that invitation, but I can’t simply care about recruiting members to the church. That command is no longer valid, if it ever was meant that way.

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This leads me to my second objection which I realize is much more grave in its nature but I’m actually entirely tired and done with the Bible as a whole. I have tried so hard to invite that damned book into one of my spiritual tools and techniques but it always fails. This book isn’t meant to be read by laymen, it isn’t meant to be available in every single native tongue there is. It’s way too powerful and outright dangerous. The Catholics of the medieval periods were right, this book should be treated as if it was carrying nuclear elements within it - because spiritually it does.

This doesn’t mean the book is worthless as a general item of human culture and as an example of its higher literature. I’m deeply grateful for having its stories in the back of my bones. That I can hang out with David, Gideon, Ruth, Nicodemus or who it may be as much as my imagination would like. As a piece of literature the Bible is endlessly fascinating and thought provoking, but as you may understand that is not the issue. Even if I give up on the Bible as a spiritual and religious guide and cornerstone you might still find me arguing that we should teach bible studies at an ever so earlier age and in more volumes than we do today. To know the Bible intimately is key for so many things in life in our western world. 

Just not when it comes to the question on how to be a good Christian.

The reason we are here is the protestant understanding of faith and belief, I would honestly say. This deserves its own article and I will expand on it to a satisfying length there but here I will only say that the protestant revolution led to an understanding of belief as an act of acceptance towards certain statements and dogmas. If you were a believer you were to be expected to hold certain viewpoints and opinions as true along with your spiritual faith in God. These viewpoints and opinions differed depending on the protestant group but they all had it in common that they tried to be based on the Bible or a certain understanding of the Bible. These differences lead to heavy spiritual - and actual - warfare between these various groups  and for every battle passed the Bible grew stronger in importance and the actual faith grew smaller and less relevant. Today I can hear Christians that have been damaged by their Bible obsession say things like nothing can be more important than to be correct about theological matters, “Truth trumps everything, even love. If someone believes in erroneous ways we shouldn’t be forgiving but try our earnest to correct them and if they won’t budge we shouldn’t give them our love. Orthodoxy is the highest of values.” This clearly goes against my own understanding of the damned book and I realize now that I have two choices. Either I can argue back and try to correct them in the purpose of aligning them into my own biblical and theological understandings of things or I can give up on the book entirely and this is why I declare all of this above. I have had my last argument with bible quotes as a valid form of evidence and if you try to argue a point to me basing it with bible quotes I will respectfully laugh you in the face until you stop.

I simply don’t care.

Everything in the Bible can be twisted to hold meanings that shouldn’t be found there and for all of us in the modern era it is impossible to know the intended meaning of the author. We never read the actual bible, we’re always reading a mirroring of our own theological wishes and fears. The only exception I can find is the Psalter, which is intended as poetry and as such the mirror effect just mentioned is an absolutely valid way of processing the meaning(s) of the Psalter. The rest is useless. Protestantism in so many ways was a diabolical error by humanity.

I kinda wish to perform a ceremony proposed by the ordained minister Alan Watts where we lovingly and respectfully burn a copy of the Bible. Not because we hate it or are actively afraid of it but for the simple reason we don’t need it anymore. When one has integrated its mythical messages all that is left are smelling corpses made out of law, pride and guilt. We got the message and we would like to hang up the phone, thanks for all the fish and we forgive you for all the warfare you have caused. Goodbye, dear book, may we never need you again.

The ceremony won’t happen and if it did it would only be seen as a blasphemous insult to all grown children still hanging around in Christian circles, absolutely refusing to grow up in any sense of the word but the idea speaks to me now in a very different way than what I first heard Alan talk about it.

***

So. Well. I don’t know. To be a Christian is a burden, really. I can’t say I like it. I often thought that it was so strange trying to recruit people into something that I myself only saw as a long series of battles and strifes. How on earth do you sell that to people without tricking them? Sure, saving them from hell is likely a good thing in the end, but is it so much better to spend an everlasting amount of time with the very creator of a place like Hell? It didn’t make sense then and it doesn’t now so I simply declare myself out.

I’m a follower of Christ, I’m a myth enjoyer in an idealistic cosmos - full stop. If that isn’t Christian enough for you, my brother, please burn me at the stakes if you so wishes. I know your kind loves doing that kind of things to “misbelievers”…