When you've done your best and you don't succeed - An angry tirade

Something is structurally wrong with existence. "Wrong" might be an inappropriate term for what I'm trying to say below, but if we let feelings be feelings this is certainly how this particular emotion wishes to express itself. 

Yes, please be aware that this will be a text coming a bit from the left side of the scope of this project. I may seem to contradict some of my other writings when expressing this particular thought and I just want to say that I'm aware of that possibility. Since this blog has multiple purposes this is destined to occur and this text will fall under the purpose of therapy writing and if the content coming out of me goes in contrast to the purpose of developing GoG, so be it. In that case it will be a problem for a future self.

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I hate the fact that one can do everything in one's might, pour out one's soul and all of one's energy, indeed really, truly doing one's best and the result one get may still be absolutely abysmal, or frankly nothing at all. I have always hated this fact and it's one of the main reasons my configuration as a person is how it is. The absolute worst feeling there ever is, can be or - dare I say - ever will be, is the one when you have done all this;

You invested all you assumingly have in a project and the only thing it leads to is not only that you failed but that someone else gets disappointed, sad or even angry with you. I hate this situation so much that I can notice now that I actively avoid doing my best at many times - either by being lazy or by simply being too detached - so this situation can't occur. If I haven't invested too much, if I merely have tried a happy go lucky- strategy with a certain project it can't hit me too hard if it fails or if someone has a negative attitude toward it. I expect this from existence, haters in all forms are plentiful, but if I gave it my all I need them to be quiet.       

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Before someone accuses me of being naive or something in that direction I just want to shut all that off by admitting that I know and that it frankly is irrelevant. Existence can be structured in a completely infinite amount of ways and is not restricted by anything. From a certain perspective, in certain situations one must accept how things choose to be but we are not speaking from that perspective at the moment. This thought is articulated with the premise that existence is able to have a choice and wishes to confront existence with how it has chosen to display itself. 

Ok? 

Naivety isn't an issue and if this perspective is to odd to understand go read a materialist's diary or whatever instead. 

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My experience with existence is that all-that-is almost tricks individuals to give everything they got only to laugh at them when they unavoidably will fail at different stages of those projects. Sometimes one is allowed to go quite far into the task before existence fucks you back to the start, sometimes one can't even get started properly before too many issues renders any progress impossible. People with more stubbornness with me deals with this fact of existence by frankly fucking it back, they simply want what they're aiming for too much to care about any amounts of set backs - they are getting it, regardless of the price they need to pay in order to get there.

I'm not like that, I never was. My aims have never been very high and even then existence thinks it so hellishly funny to mess with whatever modest thing I'm trying to do. I've been accused of being lazy, a coward and a bunch of other stuff because my instinctive reaction is to not care about the stuff I initially wanted to do when those fuckups start to pile up. This instinct stem from the earliest time of my childhood and it has never really changed. I didn't choose to feel like this from the beginning but now I'm starting to develop a sense that I want to feel this way. My instinct is correct and it is existence in its current from that is out of place and needs to fucking shape up! 

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Listen. I may consider myself a christian to a degree but I have serious issues with the thought that God is supposed to be good. 

He. Is. Not! 

It doesn't make him automatically evil but we do ourselves such harm by thinking that everything that is off with existence and our lives is caused by us ourselves and our way of being, instead of blaming the Creator that set up the whole thing. He is the one who is constantly pushing us through hoops and mazes only to reveal that the treasure we were looking for was a lump of stones and scorpions all along. He is the one enjoying our misery and our constant frustration and at the very least he is the one allowing these illusionary impressions of evil, trickstery and general incompetence regarding his ability in being the Almighty to reign supreme. 

God could reveal his plan for us in ways we understood at the core of our being and explain the workings of gaining divine strength in ways that didn't cast us into abysses of despair and existential pains until we finally gain insight enough to accept the terms of existence again, only for a new roll of this perverse wheel of divine enjoyment to start running again. He doesn't do this. He hides himself intentionally and lets us run around as traumatized headless chickens in search for protection from the structure of existence and I R E F U S E to call this "good"! 

Yes. 

GOD IS NOT, GOD HAS NEVER BEEN AND GOD WILL NEVER BE "GOOD".

Within christian mythology I have to accept that he is holy and that is an entirely different thing, but we must be able to go away from him being good. That belief only serves to gaslight all who are suffering in the dark nights making them more twisted than what is necessary. God is holy and it is his holy wish to see you suffer for a purpose you can only read about in dusty books, but won't get any actual evidence to secure your faith in. No, you little sucker of faith, just deal with how the good God of yours keeps gaslighting you into thinking that Jesus saved the world but still kept it as miserable and twisted as ever before. If you want to change these perceptions you have to work and work your soul-ass off and, as a kicker, if you do it in the wrong way or comes to inappropriate conclusions we will deem you as a heretic and burn you at the stake. All in the name of the good God.

Jesus Christ almighty, I understand why the Materialist hates the christian faith... 

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As said above, I indeed am aware that I'm elsewhere on this blog stipulates that God is good in a perfect way and that I in those texts both accepts and enjoy the configuration of existence in the sense that it allows for GoG and the ability to enjoy our own games and play styles but remember here that the God of GoG and the God of Christ mythology may be related, but they are not the same.

I show this by trying to write the former as They and the latter as He and any discrepancies to this custom should be seen as an error from my part. Christianity is stuck with a rigid form of looking at God and the divine that has congealed due to the christian obsession with holy letters, books and decrees. If God ever wanted to change or update the christian conception of the divine it's entirely impossible and every attempt in that direction is forced to become a sect the main church can display all their vile projections upon. Regardless if it's Swedenborgianism, Mormonism or the community of "A course in miracles" - the fear, hate and disgust the church at large conjures up is telling. Really telling. Those are the actions and emotions by someone that knows they are wrong but can't dare to look inside in order to correct themselves so they accuse everyone with similar, but different ideas on the subject at hand to be of the Devil. It's so pathetic.   

Nah. God of Christianity is forced to be "good" even though he likely is not, it's just a mythical choice of words that overstayed its welcome but my claim regarding "God of GoG" is only that they are loving. Good? Perhaps likely, but not necessarily so. If the focus is on Love and the object is to figure out what the essence of Love is then our human understanding of Good and Evil may be off the charts entirely. Regarding God of GoG it's meaningless to speak about them being Good or Evil, They are neither and they are both, they are exactly what you need them to be in order to progress your understanding of Love. That mission is the underlying reason why existence is what it is, it isn't meant to be "good" or "pleasurable" or any other value. Existence is how it is so that you can learn and master what Love is all about. 

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Therefore it is within my right and perhaps also my duty to yell at God for making existence so damned hard to live and do meaningful stuff in. I'm so tired of all the constant set backs I have experienced lately that I'm close to giving it all up. Especially this project which will yield such  meager quantifiable results anyway. I can't understand why I'm expected to be someone in this fucking awful world if it is so damned hard to take even the smallest of substantial steps towards being a decent player of Society.

Like, understand this. I sincerely don't want to play. I have had death wishes since I was 16 and they are still valid - now, because at this time I can make a distinction between existence and life as a player of Biology and Society. I don't want to play the latter games. I don't care if I would starve and die if I don't strive to get substantial resources to be seen as a respectable player by the others in GoS, I don't care if the body of Simon Jester survives another minute - sincerely, I wish for physical death to come yesterday and way before that. I have been done with my own ambitions in GoS since I was 15 and while the ride has been fun at times it also has made me bitter, twisted and angry. 

So fucking angry. I must accept that I can't die, I hold the current belief that suicide doesn't work due to Quantum Immortality and while physical death still might be a given it only comes when it's destined to come - we have no choice, and with GoS: Fine - I must care about resources due to the needs of the body of Simon Jester, but I declare here that I NEVER will give my all again when it comes to activities in that fucking world of GoS. I will sincerely care about my loved ones; R, my friends and my family but That. Is. It.

From now on it is Camus on steroids in all other areas of GoR until the day God steps down and personally explains how They thought setting up such a moronic structure of reality was ever going to be justified. I'm done.

DO YOU HERE ME, YOU IMBECILIC GODHEAD:

I AM DONE!